Getty Images

The Warm-Up: Stop crying about USA 13-0 Thailand

The Warm-Up: Stop crying about USA 13-0 Thailand

12/06/2019 at 17:36Updated 12/06/2019 at 20:00

Ben Snowball has a message for the snowflakes (hilarious surname jokes incoming) after USA 13-0 Thailand, while we also heap praise on Romelu Lukaku for a truly incredible miss.

WEDNESDAY’S BIG STORY

Stop crying, Thailand (and everyone else)

Dear Snowflakes of Twitter,

It’s come to our attention that there’s a LOT of disapproval floating around in the wake of USA 13-0 Thailand, so it only seems right to rebuke the following moans.

  • 'USA should have stopped trying to score'

Behave, it’s the bloody World Cup!

Imagine working your entire life to get through one-on-one (against an admittedly tiny goalkeeper) to go ‘nah, actually I think I’ll miss’. It’s ridiculous.

Any Americans out there who would prefer that approach? No worries, just support the men’s team instead.

USA Men are garbage
  • 'Celebrating the 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th and 13th goals was terrible sportsmanship'

So what if a young Thailand supporter was crying in the crowd? It’ll prepare them for the brutality of actual life.

It could have been worse. The Warm-Up once played in a Sunday League match, aged 11, where the opposition were told by their parents they wouldn’t be allowed their Easter Eggs unless they won by 10 goals.

Imagine being so bad that: a) the opposition parents are openly slagging you off, and b) the referee (incidentally, their manager) refuses to blow the full-time whistle until they make it 12-2. Still hurts.

At least the USA had the decency to waste time by celebrating, as opposed to running the ball back to the centre circle. Every second spent wheeling away, high-fiving and needlessly bundling were precious seconds that they could have used to score more. They were helping Thailand if anything.

  • 'Why add on injury time when the score is 13-0?'

Because we want 14, obvs. And there’s a tiny, tiny chance that goal difference will play a factor at the end of the group stage.

  • 'It’s not a good advert for the women’s game'

It’s the BEST advert for the women’s game. Who hasn’t pencilled in the United States’ next game on their calendar* (v Chile on Sunday, 5pm UK time).

And what do you want the USA to do? Play worse to pretend the tournament doesn’t have gaping standards? It’s hardly a reflection on the entire tournament, which has been mostly competitive in the opening 12 games.

Just accept that Thailand are garbage. It’s the one case where ‘our pub team would beat them’ is probably correct. But you would get similar treatment from Alex Morgan's crew, should your paths ever cross.

It’s worth remembering that when Tahiti qualified for the men’s Confederations Cup in 2013, they were battered 10-0, 8-0 and 6-1 in their three group games. No one was complaining about it being a bad advert for the men’s game – particularly because Fernando Torres still contrived to miss a penalty against the Oceanic minnows. Glorious times.

(*just kidding, it’s all about Thailand’s next annihilation – v Sweden on Sunday, 2pm)

Tears for Thailand

Tears for ThailandReuters

IN OTHER NEWS

Northern Ireland are knocking out Germany or Netherlands

JUST LOOK AT THIS TABLE.

Euro 2020 qualification: Group C

Northern Ireland are going to stop Germany or the Dutch from being at Euro 2020.

OK, so they’ve actually only played Estonia and Belarus due to scheduling quirks, but Virgil van Dijk will be sweating at the thought of dealing with Sergei Zenjov in Tallinn.

HEROES AND ZEROES

Hero: Romelu Lukaku

Lukaku needs to be commended for inventing a new move: the trickshot-clearance. We haven’t got the rights to Euro 2020 qualifying, but don’t let that stop you sampling it in screenshot form (and if you scroll down really fast, it might look like a flipbook).

1. De Bruyne fires in a low cross... Tap-in alert!

Lukaku, 1

2. Lukaku goes for the sexy flick...

Lukaku, 2

3. And then accidentally clears the ball with his other foot

Lukaku, 3

Fortunately, Lukaku scored two goals in Belgium’s 3-0 win over Scotland – taking his tally to 25 goals in his last 21 appearances for his national side. Take that, haters.

Zero: Gareth Bale

If you’ve just emerged from a nine-year coma, chances are you won’t be surprised by Gareth Bale’s current form. ‘Ah yes, I’m guessing he was loaned to Nottingham Forest, right?’

The problem is the Warm-Up hasn’t been in a nine-year coma and is struggling to fathom how a man who bagged a hat-trick in the San Siro, scored an overhead goalazo in the Champions League final and was once the most expensive player on the planet is now absolutely hopeless.

Bale was dreadfully short of confidence as Wales continued to prove their run to the Euro 2016 semi-finals was a colossal fluke with a 1-0 defeat in Hungary.

He needs a hug. A big one.

Gareth Bale - Wales

Gareth Bale - WalesGetty Images

IN THE CHANNELS

Get those 13 goals in your life in just 15 seconds.

COMING UP

More Women’s World Cup action! There are two big clashes at the top of Groups A and B, with France v Norway and Spain v Germany on the agenda.

Jack Lang is banned from FIFA after scoring 13 goals against a child and watching each replay to the end, which means more time to write tomorrow's Warm-Up...